“Maybe there will be marriage… Maybe there will be sex (naughty grin)… but by God there will be dancing!” -My Best Friend’s Wedding —ONE LINE THAT KEEPS JECKA SANE.
“Why should I?” a very familiar deafening sound of a man that just three minutes ago, I thought of as my hero. His voice echoing from a seemingly another dimension, corrupting my pretty thoughts of every reason why he would have the desire of marrying me. It snaps me back to reality as I rise up from a seat; making my way back to a room that I have gone in and out of for so many years… but this time, it’s different to a certain degree. Pretty much different, I must say. As now, I no longer own this space. I little by little get closer to its door. I hear my little one… crying. Small tone. Very small but the noise it makes slips and pierces through my head and all the way through my veins. It is a realism that the life I once had no longer belongs to me, and that this much-loved stranger (and a thief in like manner) requests for everything I have… the whole lot that I have always intended to keep to myself until I am ready. But she came. She’s arrived way before I am prepared… way before I am equipped with all the emotional gears that every mother needs.
Three minutes ago, I was looking at these pictures.
Dramatically dazzling. I Close my eyes and imagine myself being in this striking long ashen gown, with the feel of pretty lace rubbing against my flawlessly waxed legs, the aroma of white roses I am holding as I walk down this long isle covered by an extensively long red floor layer.
All eyes on me… being a saliently beautiful manifestation of a content woman alive. At that very moment, nothing else matters, thinking that somewhere at the end of this quite long stride is him, waiting and tolerantly thrilled. Later on I will be proudly tossing this bouquet of flowers to a bunch of ladies, eagerly praying to grab hold of it. I will then shout “You’re next!” as I think to myself that it’s only normal for every woman to have a taste and feel of what it’s like to be asked for her hand… to be wooed. Yes, just like in every dreamy movie all women in the history of love and romance have ever seen.
And therefore, I think to myself, “Why not? I don’t see why he won’t marry me!”
Because of this three-minute mind state, the man who made me feel like the most beautiful heavy with child to exist, quickly became the worst. In a matter of minutes, my best friend fast became my enemy. In a matter of minutes, my idea of HOW THINGS SHOULD BE ruined him. My thoughts ruined him. Mentally, he turned into this brute that lets me be anything but happy.
Here is my abrupt swing of emotion: From bliss to gloom.
However, I always say I am not to see anyone to be blameworthy of all these. I don’t think I was betrayed and deceived. I once swore that I am not bound to make anyone feel bad by this story because it is no other than me who decided on this… to be happy. I used to be pleased by this life turning harassment. To me, no drama was necessary. But one day, I woke up to the sound of church bells ringing rowdily.
They’re all getting married! Left and right, I consistently receive invitations from these lunatics, unconsciously losing their minds just because they’re in love??? They even go out of their ways just to get committed while here I am, faced with all the reasons why I must be wedded…
Swiftly, I am reminded of deprivation of things I believe I am entitled to, and how much of a torture it is to be left hanging on. It’s astonishing that I remain to be kind enough to still be hanging on perfectly though with quite a level of restlesness
But hey, looking back, I had a choice. And that I surely I wasn’t deprived of. I had all the chance to either wait and be happy, or simply find happiness in consequences of rushing into things that are larger than life. Way before all these came on track, I had the choice. And I had the power to decide whichever will work for me the finest.
And so I accept. All the goodness of an instant family… Because you know what they say, “One must learn how to take the good with the bad”.
Snapping back to reality, I tell myself to calm down. Loosen up and give myself a break. He is not my enemy. He is my partner. In my heart, he is my spouse and more so, my friend. The only foe I’ve got is my self, my uncertainties of his love for me, and lack of confidence that I’m worthy of his love (Married or unmarried).
And so I accept To be kept waiting; to be asked to be enduring day by day, and to put on a smile that may hide the soreness that this pain has brought to my core of persona, as peers ask me “when are you getting married?”… as my parents tell me how bad it is for my child to grow up seeing her parents unmarried, comparing her family to those of her friends.
I am ready… or so I think. Just as I thought I was ready to plunge into his pool of confusion, denial, and madness.
My suffering goes on… and so does my acceptance.
And I will have my dancing shoes ready.
“Maybe there will be marriage… Maybe there will be sex (naughty grin)… but by God there will be dancing!” -My Best Friend’s Wedding
